I was reading Thomas d’Ansembourg’s book “Être heureux ce n’est pas nécessairement confortable” and it struck me how (unconsciously) selfish we can be when we’re not feeling well.

From there, the phrase came to me:

“Pain is selfish.”

I tried to turn it into a poem, to put into simple words this unconscious process we go through and which affects our lives so much. The key word that appeared almost at the end of the poem – less poetic than one might expect – is as follows:

“Self-esteem”

Thomas d’Ansembourg argues precisely that in 80 per cent of cases seen in therapy, behind the apparent problem (for example, the death of a family member, a conflict between parents or within a couple, etc.), lies a lack of self-esteem and an inability to assess oneself.

I remember, a few months after starting therapy, realising that I had a severe lack of self-esteem. At my first session with my therapist, I’d made it clear that I didn’t feel like reflecting on the cause of my problems, as by that point I was already aware of the various conditioning I’d developed throughout my life. What I wanted was to work – in the true sense of the word – to resolve them. So that was our focus from the very beginning. Consequently, when I arrived at a particular session and said:

“I’ve realised that I have a severe lack of self-esteem,”

my therapist didn’t ask any questions to explore where that lack of self-esteem came from. What she told me, quite simply, was:

“Self-esteem is a matter of doing what you enjoy.”

At the time, I didn’t realise the depth of those words, but I trusted my therapist as I had trusted few people before. So, as she advised, I went and did the things I enjoy. In my case, it started with small things: spending the whole morning in a café reading or writing, going for a long walk, going to the swimming pool or even having a massage. They were trivial things, but without my realising it, they transformed my life.

A few months later, fate had it that I faced one of the greatest challenges of my life so far and, contrary to what one might expect, and for the first time in my life, my world didn’t come crashing down. Or, in the words of my psychologist:

“I had learnt to look after myself.”

It seems to me that self-esteem or self-confidence are either considered insignificant or seen as the key to all personal success. I believe they are neither one nor the other. In other words, they are not insignificant in the sense that we should recognise their true value and the impact they have on our wellbeing. And, on the other hand, they are not the miracle cure for personal development because they do not work like a magic potion that you take once and that’s it.

On another occasion, I heard Thomas d’Ansembourg say that this matter of knowing how to manage our internal mechanisms is something that needs to be worked on in our daily lives – in other words, as a matter of (let’s call it) emotional hygiene. And whilst it isn’t always easy, the more we create that space, the more natural it will become.

This space can be created in various ways, notably through:
• working with a therapist;
• reading, seminars, training courses and/or relevant discussions;
• introducing small daily exercises;
• meditation, etc.

The last inner conflict I experienced served as a reminder that this thing called wellbeing and happiness requires regular care, just like a plant. But, in my experience, every effort is worthwhile, as it brings us ever closer to the person we are deep down and to our personal fulfilment. At the end of my reflection, I wrote a second poem. This time I did not focus on the self-centredness of pain, but tried to imagine a world where we each look after ourselves and, consequently, one another and the world; where we face life’s challenges and twists and turns with an open heart and feel every step we take.

Translated from Portuguese to English and French with DeepL.com (free version)